JOKES ON MARITAL INFIDELITY.

1. A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.
“Darling, I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock”.
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said,
“You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!

2. There was a middle aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed to into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified
to see the most ugly child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.
“Look at the two daughters I fathered!” he said. Then he gave the wife a stern look and asked,
“Have you been fooling around on me?”
The wife just smiled sweetly and said “Not this time!”

3. A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off, to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Johnson, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Johnson had the longest private part he had ever seen!
“I’m sorry Mr. Johnson”, said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity”.
With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s private part. He stuffed it into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.
“I have something to show you that you won’t believe”, he said and opened up his briefcase.
“Oh my God! Johnson is dead? the wife screamed.

4. A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry”, she said, “stand in the corner”. Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.
“Don’t move until I tell you to”, she whispered to him. “Just pretend you’re statue.
“What’s this honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh, it’s a statue”, she replied nonchalantly. “The Taylors bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much; I got one for us too.
No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
“Here”, he said to the statue, “eat something, I stood like an idiot at the Taylors for a whole night and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water”.

5. Alex was dying. His wife Ann was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
“Ann my darling”, he whispered.
“Hush my love”, she said. “Rest, don’t talk”. He was insistent.
“Ann”, he said in his tired voice, “I have something that I must confess”.
“There’s nothing to confess”, replied the weeping Ann.
“Everything’s all right, go to sleep” she said.
“No, no. I must die in peace, Ann. I slept with your sister, your best friend. her best friend and your mother!”
“I know my sweetheart. That was why I poisoned you” whispered Ann. “Let the poison work”